Dishes & Kegels

Y’all remember when I went to the dermatologist and told you all about it? If not, you can check out Doctors & Butts for that ridiculousness. And in the meantime, let me tell you about how my pap smear went last week.

First off, I don’t go to male gynos. It’s not happening. For one, they have really big hands and even though I’ve birthed three separate seven pound humans, their hands scare me. And I know, professionals, but I’m a girls-girl. Not a mans-girl. I’m pretty sure no man gyno wants to hear my vagina jokes. Ladies however, we get it.

I’ve used a male one time and that was in an emergency situation because I was having a miscarriage. And can I just say, it was awkward. I’ll spare you the details but since then I decided a female doctor is my jam. I’ve used the same doctor with all three of my kids and love her. She comes to Dexter from Cape a couple times a month which is an added bonus. The last time she checked out my business was after I had Vance. Since then, her office has moved and I was unaware.

So I showed up at the home health office like hey ladies who wants to take a peak because I’m ready when you are. 

They’re all like uhhh this is the home health office…not your gyno. 

Then I drive down to where I think her new office is located. Nope, come to find out they moved three months ago. So I call {already 15 minutes late for this appointment which stresssssses me out. I’m the “10 minutes early or you’re late” kinda person which probably surprises none of you} and get directions to the new-new office. I finally make it to where I’m supposed to be and wait. And wait. And wait some more. Which is actually fine because for real some days I’d rather be at the vagina doctor getting my hoo-haa examined than wrangling eight kids.

I finally get back in a room and asked to use the restroom because I’ve had 12 cups of coffee and Momma can’t hold her pee.

Oh yeah girl and since you’re there go ahead and pee in this cup. 

Now let me just pause a minute to say I have peed in about 700 cups the past five years. When you’re pregnant, you have to give a urine sample at each appointment. In the beginning, that’s once a month. Then twice a month. Then every week. I mean, I don’t care to pee in a cup but y’all let me just be real. I’ve peed in that dang thing 68658 times and still haven’t mastered how to do it without pissing all over my hand. The struggle should not be this real. I’m not really asking for peeing advice here. Just, I don’t know, maybe some bigger cups? And that’s not even the worst part. The worst part is walking from one end of the building, down three halls, across the highway and through the parking lot to get back to your room…all while carrying your Cup o’ Pee. I kid you not! Long before I had kids..maybe even my first ever pap smear…I had to walk THROUGH THE WAITING ROOM carrying my pee cup. This can’t be normal.

Most of the appointment was typical…

Do you have back pain?

–Yes. Almost always. Sometimes worse than others.

Your pelvis is strange.

–Thanks, I know.

By strange, I mean tilted which probably causes more back pain.

–so big boobs aaaaand a tilted pelvis, lovely.

Your bladder is like…right there. Cough. Oh yeah girl you need to do kegels.

Show me a woman with three kids and I’ll show you a woman who needs to do kegels. The nurse says “Just make it a habit to do them every day when you do dishes. That way you never forget.” Image result for got it gif

So here I stand. At my dishwasher. Repeatedly pulling my one year old out of the dishwasher. Rinsing out cups of soured milk. Replacing the forks Vance pulls out of the tray every three seconds. Scraping ketchup from plates. And contracting my lady parts. Vagina game strong. 

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